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Although the Internet is still a relatively new phenomenon, it has only taken a short time for individuals to start realizing that the web is a potential place to find love. This new medium makes it possible for people all over the world to communicate and form relationships in ways that were never possible before. Through chat rooms and online personal advertisements, individuals are able to meet potential mates on the basis of written text, which is sometimes accompanied by a photograph. More recently, however, the simulated worlds of online virtual environments such as Second Life are allowing for new levels of interaction. People are no longer restricted to existing online solely on the basis of their typed words; they are able to exist as a visual representation of who they are, or rather, who they wish they could be. By interacting through Second Life, individuals and couples are able to experience a simulation of dating environments that can arouse genuine emotions, mirroring traditional and nontraditional dating.

In this paper, eighteen people were interviewed within the game of Second Life and assigned a number and either an “M” or an “F” to distinguish between male and female participants. They were asked questions of their basic demographics, their relationship status, and what constituted fidelity both in the world of the game and in their real lives. Questions about fidelity were asked to discern if players were able to separate their emotions from what happens in the game. The people interviewed ran the gamut of relationship types possible, from dating one person in Second Life and another person in their real life, to being single in real life and dating in Second Life. One aspect they all had in common was that they were each involved in relationships inside the game. Through the course of this study, it was found that, even while roleplaying, players of Second Life are unable to completely disconnect from reality and are emotionally affected by what occurs in the world.

Users of Second Life are regarded as residents of a virtual world. In that environment, there are no restrictions of whom, or even what, a person is able to be, from humans to anthropomorphized animals. In fact, Second Life is less like a game, with goals to be met and conquests to be made, but rather an environment that parallels our own. Lives are lived out in ways very similar to those in real life; residents build homes, drive cars, go shopping, and socialize with few, if any, limitations. Sexual relationships are not only possible, but are also considered to be especially important in Second Life. As with any real world relationship, initial attraction and sustained interactions are predicated by physical desirability. Avatars, the visual representation of the virtual self, are typically figures of idealized beauty. While many residents claim their avatars are modeled after their real selves, minute differences (height, weight, and hairstyles, for example) show how self-conscious the user is of their physical identity in the world.

Second Life has its own set of values and norms regarding fantasy, beauty, play, and behavior. The average established avatar – it should be noted that new residents, or newbies, are all “born” with the same features – reflects that of Hollywood: the thin, perfectly sculpted Caucasian male or female, which reflects dominant ideologies of beauty. Even avatars of other races and ethnicities still withhold Caucasian features. One might not even be aware of the fact that the person he or she is talking to at any given moment is Japanese or African due to the limitations of the game. The female avatar communicates the fantasy of becoming the ideal woman. In becoming the ideal woman, she holds power over men. Her beauty seduces men and she receives multiple suitors. The power comes from the overabundance of choices; one never needs to settle. Isn’t it always thought that the beautiful women are the ones who get life handed to them? In Second Life, however, almost everyone is his or her idealized self. Randomly browsing profiles is fascinating in that men are constantly discussing knowing “the most beautiful woman in Second Life”. Someone will eventually find your avatar attractive, and that is where most relationships begin.

What is significant in the virtual realm is that the user is removed from the fullness of real human existence. It is easy to be enticed by Second Life for the fantasy that is structured around the withdrawal from the real world. After spending solid amounts of time in the game, one can understand the connections with social ineptitude and vampirism. When a person is “playing”, he or she becomes so immersed that time within the game loses all meaning. It is not until he or she looks up, bleary-eyed at his or her clock, that they realize they have just spent the last six hours of their evening sucked into a virtual world, buying virtual goods and services, and having virtual social interactions.

It is easy to argue for and against forming relationships through a computer screen. There are many aspects of face-to-face interactions that differ from computer-mediated communication. In online communication, a person is unidentifiable and virtually anonymous; they lack physical attributes; and location is both unimportant and unnecessary because in the here and now of the online environment, he or she is virtually right there. On the other hand, an individual who exists online has more freedom on what he or she reveals concerning personal characteristics, both physical and mental. They also have the ability to learn about other people without the constrictions of physical appearance and location. Aaron Ben-Ze’ev, author of Love Online: Emotions on the Internet claimed, “When people are asked why they engaged in relationships online, the most common reason given is that they have specific fantasies and desires that are not being fulfilled in their offline relationships.” (Ben-Ze’ev 2) It is important to remember, however, that cyberspace is not completely virtual; real people are sitting behind the computer screens roleplaying. Although relationships in Second Life typically involve imaginary aspects, the relationships themselves are not imaginary.

Often in Second Life, reality is not explicitly relevant to the lives that people lead. Many make it clear by using a spin off of the popular Las Vegas Slogan, “What happens in Second Life, stays in Second Life.” That unwillingness to tap into his or her personal reality establishes a rigid demarcation between any relationship originating in the virtual environment and any possible relationship that could exist in the real world. In Second Life, Ben-Ze’ev’s term “detattachment”, short for detached attachment, prevails. (Ben-Ze’ev 26) Intimate closeness can be achieved, but it is still at a distance in cyberspace. Often in the game, an intense online romantic attachment occurs between people who are physically separated and who are committed in some way or another to a different romantic relationship. Out of eighteen people interviewed for this paper, fourteen were in relationships in the game with people they were not dating in real life.

Second Life exists not as a means to meet one’s needs, but primarily as a way to satisfy curiosity, and oftentimes, being able to roleplay online and test different scenarios may lead to actual changes in a person’s real life. One inhabitant interviewed admitted that he had actually become a better communicator through his relationships on Second Life. He was no longer afraid to walk up to strangers and talk to them, because that is just what occurs in the game. (Interview 6M) One has the ability to change the way he or she interacts with people and become a more effective communicator. With the potential to change how we interact with people in real-life, Second Life presents us with new possibilities. We can expand or contract our “dating pool” as we refine our interests and communications.

Flirting is also a means of communicating in Second Life. Flirting, according to Monica Whitty and Adrian Carr, authors of Cyberspace Romance: The Psychology of Online Relationships, implies a:

Casual relationship where one or both persons are engaged in maintaining some suggestion or expectation of intimacy without intentions of increasing its level or allowing some type of ‘consummation’… but another common meaning seems to refer simply to the initial actions one takes to convey a message of interest or attraction. (Whitty & Carr 38)

 

In Second Life, flirting may consist of verbal or visual cues. A shy guy, for example, might randomly start a conversation with a woman he is interested in. The freedom he feels in this simulation of the real world allows him to compliment her, a perfect stranger, on the coat that she is wearing. Using that as an icebreaker, he also notices the way her hair flows and the color of her eyes, and flatters her to gauge her response and interest level. In using his Second Life experiences, he ties together his compliments in such a way that she feels like the most beautiful woman in their virtual world. One learns to establish a commonality of interests early and quickly so that the pursuit has much more favorable chance of being reciprocated.

Usually, online relationships exist between people who are separated by time and space. However, physical distance online becomes irrelevant. Although each person uses the Internet from different locations, while they are chatting online, they are actually in the same space. Although your lover may be thousands of miles away, in cyberspace, it often feels as though you are in the same room together. On Second Life, avatars allow for a visual representation of a person; dating online is made more real. One participant responded to a question of how much the game is based in reality by saying, “The people whom I’ve truly befriended here are real people, they may sit behind a screen somewhere else in the world, but they are real, their feelings/emotions are real, and their actions in this world are real.” (Interview 1M) While users are aware of time and space, the game of Second Life bridges those gaps, creating a unique global community.

For many, Second Life relationships serve as a means to play, to act out relationships online, anonymously. One user in particular told me that the game was a way for him to be everything his real-life self was not: inside of its artificial environment, he was able to be forceful and outspoken. He admitted that he was using Second Life to determine what he wanted out of his first life relationships. (Interview 6M) Another resident of the game said that he was a DJ in Second Life because of his social anxiety in his first life. It allowed him to work on his anxiety issues in a safe, anonymous environment. (Interview 3M) A third participant, a twenty-four-year-old male, saw “[Second Life] as an escape from reality, my [real life] feelings do get caught up in it at times but I do recognize it as a roleplaying game.” (Interview 5M)

In many of these interactions, people are simply idealizing relationships through their roleplay. It is similar to the idea of being in love with “falling in love”. To the outsider, these relationships may seem superficial and only meet the immediate needs of those involved. The Internet enables a constant flow of communication that can be both profound and intimate. The emotions experienced are intense and the participants feel close to each other. Ben-Ze’ev believes these online affairs “are intrinsically valuable: some in the superficial sense of providing pleasure to their participants and some in the profound sense including also the use and development of essential capacities and attitudes.” (Ben-Ze’ev 134) Nonetheless, online relationships cannot truly overcome the desire and need for physical closeness. While these Second Life relationships bring about real life emotions, they merely serve as substitutes for real life relationships. One thirty-three-year-old interviewee openly discussed how being married in real life meant that he no longer had the freedom to date other women. In Second Life, however, he was able to avoid the problems in his real life marriage by marrying a woman inside the game that he felt better satisfied his wants and needs. (Interview 1M) This man knew he would be unable to physically be with this woman in real life, and it was a way to both avoid divorce and explore other romantic options.

For many more residents, real life feelings are unavoidable, even while acting out their relationships online. One interview participant admitted to becoming emotionally attached to their Second Life partner because he or she understood that the person behind the avatar was a real person. When asked if they were able to separate real life emotions from Second Life emotions, another insightful respondent had this to say:

No, I cannot. For again, SL is just an extension of RL. It makes the world a much smaller place. It allows us to come into contact with those of other cultures and nationalities… again, the people behind the avatars are real, their actions are real… and in even a virtual relationship… the emotions are real. The people who I am close with in SL, I actually do care about them, as if I were to interact with them outside of SL. They’re in my thoughts and my heart. Even people I don’t have a serious relationship with. They are still my friends, as I am theirs. Emotions are emotions. There is no grey there. No matter in what “reality” you are in, be it this or other, you will still feel a particular way about something. (Interview 1M)

 

Since real life feelings are as much a part of Second Life as the fantasies they draw upon, the potential for self-change can be realized. In one’s ideal persona, he or she would seek to make up for his real-life shortcomings.

One of the main challenges that anonymity online faces is whether it fosters honesty or deception. In Second Life, there are no guidelines for telling the truth, and that is reflected in many resident’s stories. One respondent to this project was excited to discuss her upcoming nuptials inside the game to a man she had known for a month. A week later, they were on the verge of divorce after he was caught in a hot tub with another woman on their wedding night. (Interview 9F) When cyberspace becomes the major emotional outlet for a person, he or she increases the risk of distorting reality to the extent that coping with it becomes not easier but harder. (Ben-Ze’ev 89) It becomes easy to lose the ability to distinguish what is trivial and what is important in your own virtual world. The Internet allows people to escape from their everyday problems into an environment that while may be fictional, is sometimes much better than what is real.

Moral norms are less rigid in cyberspace, but certain types of deception are more likely to occur. Cheating, for instance, is easy to do in the virtual realm, where people have little choice but to accept what you tell them at face value. Even when individuals feel trapped by their current situations, they still do not want to ruin everything around them. In discussing the moral nature of cyberspace, Ben-Ze’ev distinguishes the difference between the psychological reality and the moral reality:

 

Psychological reality refers to the person’s own mental experiences, such as emotions, feelings, desires, and beliefs. These experiences are no doubt intense and real … Moral reality refers to the other’s – that is, their primary partner’s – situation, which is the main concern of reality. (Ben-Ze’ev 210)

 

He goes on to claim that people who are having online affairs believe their affairs to be psychologically real but morally unreal. (Ben-Ze’ev 210) The guilty believe that their virtual liaisons should not be cause for their offline partners to be hurt since they view such affairs as imaginary. The partner of Interviewee 9F, Interviewee 5M, felt there was no such thing as cheating in the game when asked what constituted cheating for him in Second Life. He claimed, “It’s a game, I cannot see how anything would constitute cheating on a computer animation.” (Interview 5M) When asked if he felt any emotional attachment at all, he responded by saying, “None that I feel.” (Interview 5) His response contradicted what he said earlier in the interview, however, when it was revealed that he and his Second Life partner spoke on the telephone every day in real life. He also, when asked if he would be upset if his partner in the game cheated on him, responded by asserting he would be upset. (Interview M5)

According to Marlene M. Maheu and Rona B. Subotnik, authors of Infidelity on the Internet: Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal, “People are often bewildered when they first discover that infidelity can occur through the Internet.” (Maheu & Subotnik 103) They define cyber adultery involves “a desire of romantic intent and behavior that is supposedly reserved for a committed partner.” (Maheu & Subotnik 103) These sentiments mirror the responses garnered from interview participants when asked how they would react to infidelity in the game and if it would be any different from how they would react in their real life. One twenty-year-old male stated, “Knowing the nature of this world, I would probably be less harsh than I would be in real life. Regardless, they would be in trouble.” (Interview 4M) A twenty-seven-year-old male felt his reaction would be the same for both the game and his real life, claiming he would leave her. (Interview 3M) An eighteen-year-old female said if she were cheated on in real life, her whole world would shatter, whereas in her Second Life, she would not care as much. She did admit, however, that her emotions were affected by what happened in the game; she was not as disconnected as she thought she was. (Interview 4F)

When respondents were asked how they might feel if their Second Life partners cheated, the overall sentiment was that they would be hurt. Many claimed they would be upset and their real life emotions would be affected. One twenty-three-year-old female respondent claimed that she “would be hurt, but not as deeply as in [real life].” (Interview 3F) Another expressed the same sentiment, saying, “If it happened in [Second Life] it would hurt my feelings, if it happened in [real life] I would be devastated.” (Interview 5F) A third respondent, this time a male, agreed:

Well, anonymity and sex are a bit harder to obtain in real life. I would be crushed if someone in [real life] betrayed me like that. In Second Life, I would simply shrug it off, I’d be hurt, but one can only take a fantasy world so seriously. (Interview 7M)

 

Users are aware of the line between virtual and the real, and they are able to map it out themselves. They are aware of the boundaries. Interviewee 7M, however, appears to be saying that he would not take betrayal in the game so seriously as a self-defense mechanism. The social stigma attached to dating over the Internet stops many from revealing their activities online. When asked if he would end his Second Life relationship over such a betrayal as infidelity, he simply said, “Yes,” (Interview 7M) contradicting his previous statement and opening up the issue of his reliability as a source.

People have a habit of rushing into relationships, and even marriages in Second Life, and more often than not, end up breaking up. Age does not appear to be a factor in relation to how immature and possessive people act in the game. While the average age of a Second Life user is over thirty, thanks in part to both disposable income and extra time, it is often hard to distinguish if a person is being truthful about how old they are. Generation Xers are known for their nostalgia, and after much time spent inside the game, observing residents, their nostalgia for youth is made clear. Many are skittish about the question of age, which can sometimes lead to animosity and mistrust. Everyone’s avatar tends to look like an idealized youngster, which can often lead to high expectations when taking relationships to the real world, because no one can possibly look as beautiful as his or her avatar. Relationships progress at warp speed, and they can fizzle out just as fast; one female respondent musing, “People say the average [Second Life] marriage lasts three months!” (Interview 4F)

There are still so many questions that need to be answered in how people are using the Internet to make connections with each other. Future research on this topic should further investigate relationships using a larger pool of participants with a narrower scope. Instead of focusing on all people in Second Life relationships, only one type at a time should be looked at. It is interesting to see how people are using the game as a means to redefine dating, and the separation between the virtual and the real should be looked at more closely.

It is the players of Second Life that give the game its meaning. Lives parallel to our own are being roleplayed, with virtual interactions occurring. Although many people try to distance themselves from the emotions that develop through these interactions, it is nearly impossible to remain completely unaffected. By looking at how residents view fidelity in both their real lives and their Second Lives, a fuzzy, tentative line can be drawn that shows where the virtual and the real are separated.

Works Cited

Baker, Andrea J.. Double Click: Romance and Commitment Among

Online Couples. Cresskill, NJ: Hampton Press, Inc., 2005.

Ben-Ze’ev, Aaron. Love Online: Emotions on the Internet. New York,

NY: Cambridge University Press, 2006.

Interview 1F, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 2F, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 3F, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 4F, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 5F, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 6F, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 7F, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 8F, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 1M, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 2M, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 3M, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 4M, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 5M Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 6M, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 7M, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Interview 8M, Personal interview. APR 2007.

Maheu, Marlene M., and Rona B. Subotnik. Infidelity on the Internet: Virtual

Relationships and Real Betrayal. Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks, Inc., 2001.

Whitty, Monica, and Adrian Carr. Cyberspace Romance: The Psychology

of Online Relationships. New York, NY: Palgrave Macmillan, 2006.